I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize