Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize