My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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