We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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