just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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