I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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