Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
