ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
