i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
