all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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