Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize