8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
