i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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