Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
