I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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