1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
