Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Randomize
