My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I did not marry a roomba.
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