I am midnight drunk by noon
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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