You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you didnt know i had herpes?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
