she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
