I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
