One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
