I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
