My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Randomize
