hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
