if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
