1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
