so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
