GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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