Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The struggles of a small town man whore
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
