Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
