True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
