The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you inspire me to be a worse person
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
