I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
