he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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