my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
