You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
