That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
