the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I want to make a zoo with you.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
