your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Floor bacon is actually really good
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
