I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
