Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
