so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
