Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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