I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
