my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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