gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I touched a dick in church today
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
