last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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