no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
