How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
