i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
