How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
