He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
