saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
