My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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